Goodnight and good luck.

"Poker reveals to the frank observer something else of import—it will teach him about his own nature. Many bad players do not improve because the cannot bear self-knowledge."

This David Mamet quote exemplifies everything this blog was created to achieve. For the time this blog began up until this “farewell” post, I have been writing in order to improve my game. Most of my writing has been in the first person narrative and is geared towards my level of play. I am growing as a poker player and this blog was made to grow with me.

Crafting a final blog post is like writing your own eulogy. What would you want to be said about you if you could write your own? I would probably want people to hear that I made a ton of money, some sick calls, and even crazier bluffs. I would want them to know that I lived on the edge and that I played every hand and every chip with rigor and valor.

I wouldn’t want them to know that was all a lie.

The truth is, I can’t end this blog where I am in my poker career. I am still growing and I am still fighting towards poker self-actualization. Like I have mentioned in my previous blogs, my poker life is on a hiatus; my blog will rest in the same fashion.

When I am read to pursue poker with the same intensity I once did, this blog will serve as a successful tool for navigating through the ranks and mapping my route. This blog, in essence, is a journal or a logbook of some great explorer. When the going gets tough, the explorer can flip back a few pages and read about his triumphs and see how far he has come. He can use these logs to motivate and educate. He can use these notes to create and re-enforce “self knowledge.”

In essence, that’s all poker truly is. Self-knowledge is knowing yourself well enough to anticipate your opponent’s thoughts about you. How do you portray yourself? How do you play certain hands, streets, and pots? How do you react to trash talk and bad beats? If you the answers that other players have already assigned to these questions, then you can alter and twist the true nature of them to torment your opponents. Poker is, in fact, a war.

"Poker may be a branch of psychological warfare, an art form or indeed a way of life – but it is also merely a game, in which money is simply the means of keeping score."

Thank you Anthony Holden, for this brilliant insight. Poker is a battle fought with the mind. Most players don’t have an outlets to release negativity and tension from their poker battles. This blog has served as that outlet for me. Instead of blogging, most players let bad beats and horribly played hands fester inside their minds. This thought bounce around and crash in to the new thoughts as they are developed, altering the decisions and logic a player has swore to uphold. I, instead, allow my troubles to become words. In turn, they become realized, thought upon, and resolved. I now can take the error in my ways and use it to learn from.

So in a way, this blog was a punching bag. In the first few portions of my blog, I talked about investing in a punching bag. I claimed to need this punching bag in order to help relieve the stress of bad beats and bad play. Well, I never got that punching bag. What I didn’t realize until now is that this blog has been the perfect proverbial punching bag. This blog lets me unleash a flurry of punches and jabs until I feel that I’ve changed as a player. The punches are there to release tension and cool my temper. This blog has helped me keep my temper at the tables.

The strong point in poker is never to lose your temper, either with those you are playing with or, more particularly, with the cards. There is no sympathy in poker. Always keep cool. If you lose your head you will lose all your chips.

William J. Florence has obviously been through the trails and tribulations of being a poker player. This quote keys in on one facet of poker that, when mastered, can be a valuable weapon. When you’ve got a cool head, you have a peripheral view of the poker table as a whole. You can see how your actions are influencing other players and adjust in order to increase profitability. Some players don’t release their temper UNTIL they get to the poker table. They might as well just put the money in my pocket.

“When we play, we must realize, before anything else, that we are out to make money.”

Cold, hard, cash. Isn't this truly why we all play the game of poker?

David Sklansky

Sure, the thrill of a bluff here and there is exciting for all of us. We all see the players on T.V. in their trendy glasses and sitting at an epic looking table. Who wouldn’t want to be there? All in all, those players are there because they have focused in on one task: making money. So maybe that’s what this blog was all about, just trying to help myself make a few bucks.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t know what this blog was truly meant to be. I don’t have that answer yet and I will never have it if I stop here. Instead, I plan to reincarnate this blog when poker is a more relevant source of recreation in my life. But for now, poker rests; a sleeping giant.

Thank you.

secret agents

“I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.” This Jonathan Swift quote encompasses both sides of the poker spectrum. On one side, poker is a game of chance. The cards are shuffled and dealt in random order to players who know of only their own cards. On the other side is a world of complex math and strategy that, when implemented successfully, can yield financial rewards. The true nature of the game has been vehemently debated over time between avid players and advocated of gambling addiction relief. The true nature of the game will never be truly revealed, but there is one more school of thought that seems to make the most headway towards an answer.

In an upcoming essay, I will address the concept of philosophical and social agency and how it relates to society. My vehicle in to this topic is the game of poker. The game of poker has evoked my interested in agency and structuralism based on the distinct connections between the two seemingly unrelated topics. It is a combination of these factors that leads to the construction of a third school of “poker thought.” This blog will be a small precursor of my length essay. This small passage is intended to clarify my direction and organize my thoughts, as well as open up a new perspective on the game.

Let’s begin by clarifying two sides of the argument in the social aspect. First, there is the argument of structure. Structuralism is a complex system of interrelated parts. These parts make up society and influence the set of determined actions possible within the structure. Our roles and actions are predetermined and executed without any ability of the agent to change it. In poker, this can be considered the gambling aspect. When a player, or agent, sits down at a table and joins a game, he or she is subjecting himself or herself to a structure that they have no control over. The cards are shuffled, dealt, and the odds of the game take control. The player is just along for the ride, either reaping the benefits or suffering the losses.

This attitude is what most people will subject to gambling addiction. Gambling addicts live and breathe for this uncertainty and often fall victim to the rush and financial burden of the game. People believe that poker addicts have no control over their games and that they are destined to pour their income down the drain.

The second side of the poker coin is the players who believe poker is a decision-based game. Since the invention of online poker, the amount of games and hands a poker player can see per day has increased exponentially. Professional online poker players are known to play upwards of 20 tables at one time for hours a day. The truly successful professionals have stuck to a complex set of rules and strategies that make them profitable.

These strategies, however, change over time. The best players in the world have a keen sense for change and will adapt to the new styles accordingly. These professionals are similar to agents in the theory of methodological individualism. In this theory, the “agents” can construct and reconstruct their own societies. As the best players construct new techniques and strategies, they gain a profitable edge over the other players. The agents are in total control over their fate given a proper sample size and strict management. When the rest of the poker world catches up with the curve, these agents are able to then once again craft their poker actions and reconstruct their abilities, insuring a profitable future.

It is in this ability that we see the connection between poker and methodological individualism. The poker society is not driven by random chance or luck, but instead by the acts of individuals and the observations of these acts. It is this thought that allows professionals to truly believe that they are in control of their own fate.

As factually accurate both of these sides are the answer cannot simply lie in just one realm of poker understanding. The truth is, the answer most likely is a mixture of both luck and skill. In poker, we find that there is no true volume that will determine a player’s profitability. Over time, players venture through patches of good luck and bad luck called variance. Sometimes, a player can’t d wrong. They win every flip, hit every flop, and river every nut. We’ve all gone on a “hot streak” before. Sure, we haven’t changed our play, but we’ve been rewarded on a more frequent basis. Poker players have also all gone through a bad swing of variance. Sometimes, no matter how solid your strategy is or how good your odds were, you lose. The rouge diamond on the river or the lone Ace on a turn, poker can surprise us in many ways. The sad truth of poker is that you are only fully in control of your own games; other will march to the beat of their own drum.

This concept is prevalent in the third opinion on agency, known as structuration. Structuration is defined as not focusing solely on an individual or a society, but the social practices ordered across space and time. We essentially reside in a set of rules and norms that are pertinent to our society, in this case poker, and we have the freedom to act upon those options. This means that our actions are partially predetermined based on the given options. It is the repetition of these acts, the calls, raises, and folds that build the structure of norms and values. Do you know exactly why you don’t play 72 off suit? It is widely held to be the worst starting hand. But there is no force stopping you from playing it and from time to time, winning with it. These structures and beliefs don’t determine our actions; they instead constrain them and regulate them. On the other hand, our actions are always forming and reforming the structure of the game.

This is how poker evolves.

Poker Plans

Poker plans.

24 hours in a day is not enough time. Not for me, at least. I’ve learned this very quickly in my first semester of college away from home. Budgeting my time has quickly become an asset in my life and I am still learning how to do it effectively. Unfortunately for me, poker has not been a priority in my life as of late.

I feel that poker is best played when there is a desire to play. Although I always crave a good game of poker, I’ve slowly been rounding the corner and doing a bit of growing up. Poker has taken a back seat in my life, at least for now. Fortunately for me, poker is a patient passenger. It never asked if we’re there yet, it doesn’t have to stop to use the bathroom, and it never changes the radio. Poker respects the tune of my life right now, bobbing its head up and down to the beat that the radio reflects.

At some point though, poker will reemerge in my life as an important facet. I anxiously await this day. This day, more likely than not, will be sometime this coming summer. I will have no classes and only one job 4 to 5 days a week. My agenda will be cleared and I will be living a stress free two and a half months at home in West Palm Beach, Florida. Beaches, babes, and poker. The life.

I don’t know about you, but when I go on a road trip, I don’t just jump in the car in drive. No. I’ve got a plan. When I return to the game, I want to hit the felt with my full potential and make this summer the most profitable poker experience possible. With poker buckled in to the passenger seat of this adventure, it knows where we’re going and how to get there.

Bankroll:

The first step is to replenish all of my poker bankrolls, both live and online. I want to have exactly 100 average tournament entries in my accounts online (roughly $200-$300 per site). This will ensure that I can continue to play within my range of tournaments on a regular basis. As for live poker, I plan to carry about anywhere from 15 to 20 buy-ins for 1/2NL, which is roughly $1,500 to $2,000 dollars. Typically, 20 buy-ins is a bit short for online poker, but my variance is lower in live poker and I feel I have an edge over most players at my tables.

Schedule:

The second step is to plan out a set schedule of play on my poker days. This involves choosing the best tournaments on any given day and planning my average buy-in for the day. I will also monitor my total buy-in’s for the day, always aiming for a set number that is to be determined based on tournament availability. Having an open and flexible work schedule makes this very possible and a key to my success. I also plan on playing a certain number of hours of live poker per week. These will obviously fluxuate with my work schedule and poker room hours, but I will aim for a minimum of 5 hours per week.

Lessons:

I will also plan to make a triumphant return to my poker coach. While in Palm Beach, I receive the help of a professional poker player and coach named Tristan Wade. Tristan is a professional multi-table tournament player with over one million dollars in career earnings as of 2009. Tristan has been a huge mentor in my poker life and will continue to benefit me as a reach and exceed my poker goals. His insight is invaluable and with him on my side, my summer should be a big step in my poker career.

Exercise and Diet:

One of the advantages of living at home is that I can eat healthier at no cost to me. My family is happy to provide my meal when I am home, which normally leads to a much healthier diet. This revamped diet along with recreation and exercise will keep my mind and body fresh. A healthy body and mind is paramount for any serious poker player. When your mind is distracted by a poor nights rest, a bad diet, or a lack of fitness, it can be hard to concentrate on other things. In poker, your mind is your most valuable tool. Treat it right, respect it, and it will be your adversary.

Long Term Goals:

This summer will mark the one-year countdown to the 2011 World Series of Poker. The 2011 series will be my first year of eligibility and I plan to make my way to Vegas and participate. I am going to incorporate a percentage based savings system in order to help fund a portion of my tournament buy-in’s for the events. The WSOP has been gracious enough to offer a new set of $1,500 tournaments this year and will continue to do so. I plan on playing between one and three of these tournaments in order to try and increase my WSOP funs to meet the $10,000 Main Event buy-in. If I do not reach my 10k goal, I will deposit the funds in to a savings account and use the funds for the next series.

All in all, this summer has promise. I am long over-due for a break from school and the hustle bustle of college. I plan to embrace my time away from the academic world and attack the game with full rigor.

blackchips&spaceships

I recently read an old thread on the 2+2 forums that made me cry. I mean I actually had tears pouring from my eyes. It had been a long time since I laughed that hard.

The back-story goes a bit like this. A Full Tilt Poker red pro named Alan Boston plays a lot of mid-stakes games. As a red pro, you receive a customized avatar designed by the guys at Full Tilt. Alan Boston, IRL, is an older dude with a clean, bald shaved head. He is your typical 50-some year old California bro who doesn’t want to grow up, so he throws on some Ed Hardy, pierces his ears, and calls it a day.

Alan Boston as an avatar, on the other hand, is an alien. Straight up, his avatar resembles one of those tear-drop headed aliens from some horrible sci-fi movie. Naturally, players on the forums were ready to take full advantage of Full Tilts liberal chat privileges and got to work.

Players began to give Alan crap for his image. The joking was all in good fun and would have probably subsided pretty quickly had Boston not retaliated. Apparently, as a red pro, you have the privilege to ban a players chat for an extended period of time. Whether or not he can actually pull the plug, or have an admin do it, is not known. Regardless, players who were calling him out were being threatened and often lost their chat rights.

As the internets motto goes, “If you can’t beat ‘em, keep making fun of them until the commit suicide.” This motto has proven its self time and time again. Naturally, players came in the masses to get a cheap shot at the man they call “Alien Boston.”

Some of my favorite gems:

wsop_caddy (Observer): Hey, Alan

Alan Boston: yes wsop

wsop_caddy (Observer): Can i ask you question?

Alan Boston: only if it is not mean spirited

wsop_caddy (Observer): Is you kid as Ugly as you.

Alan Boston: say goodbye to youf chat

wsop_caddy (Observer): What?

wsop_caddy (Observer): You look like MR clean

jiroz (Observer): alan boston can i ask you a question

Alan Boston: if it concerns avatar no

jiroz (Observer): lol no it just concerns your relationship to john locke

jiroz (Observer): hes your brother no?

Alan Boston: who?

Alan Boston: i have a sister

Alan Boston: not a brother

Alan Boston: and she teaches special ed

jiroz (Observer): oh nvm

CertifiedDon1 (Observer): alan do you ever play plo8

Alan Boston: never have

CertifiedDon1 (Observer): i was just wondering if you ever play against my buddy predator

WCGRider (Observer): alan boston are you there

WCGRider (Observer): when you have a moment sir

WCGRider (Observer): alan i am a moderator from 2+2 poker

WCGRider (Observer): i am here to apologize for my forums behavior

randymilonakis (Observer): damn doug that big of you

WCGRider (Observer): ty

WCGRider (Observer): i have a dream that one day

WCGRider (Observer): people from all cities countries and planets

WCGRider (Observer): can play poker in peace

"Not Turkdaddy (Observer): how come when alan boston wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom?"

boleracea: can i ask u quetion on it?

Alan Boston: yeah ask whatever you want

Alan Boston: go

boleracea: why'd u get chemo? i didn't know aliens could get cancer

mister coke (Observer): BOOM

Naturally, there are other great comments in the thread: here is the link.

So the more I thought about this chat barrage, the more I thought of the way it influences the game. Obviously Alien is used to this chat action and probably gets a kick out of it. He has more than likely learned to not let it influence his game. Some players, on the other hand, are reactive to in-game chat more so then they realize.

So I set to the cash game tables to do some research. I picked the more active tables: the tables with chat and large pots. These tabled tend to draw a larger crowd and a larger mix of play types. What exactly was my goal? I wanted to see if I could influence players to stray from their play style based on what I said.

This experiment/strategy has pros and cons. The pros are that you can use your chat as a weapon. The ability to communicate with your opponents and influence their decision is a definite advantage. The cons are that unless you know exactly how to draw out the correct reactions, your plan can backfire and you become a target for the wrong reasons.

I started with the basics, I would say things like “you played that bad” or “how are you not broke?” While often incorrect statements, the words brought attention to me and identified me as a loose cannon. I wanted to convey myself as a tilt-monster, someone who would lose control after a bad hand. After finding a player who was willing to go at it, I would start to get involved in pots with him and define his hand range better.

The results were, for the most part, great! I noticed a wider range of opening hands, which bode well for my tighter play. Most micro-stakes players are easy reads, and they make the reads easier when they play against a player for reasons other than profit. I made players want to beat me and get involved in hands with me. My chat action had in fact made my game easier and more profitable.

Obviously, my sample size was a bit small and I was probably a bit lucky, but the concept is dead on. A week of play is not exactly a gold mine of information. There were probably things I could have said and approaches I could take that would work against my profit; only repetition and volume can help iron out those wrinkles. For now, though, I’ll return to my normal game-play. The chat monster will sleep and wait.

all is fair in poker and war.

I can see a bead of sweat drip down the side of his face. The drop races to his jaw line where it slows and begins to slide ever so slightly towards his chin. The droplet reaches the apex of his face and stops, as if contemplating the depth of its inevitable fall. He reaches up and captures the sweat, swiping it way and saving it from the fateful plummet.

“I raise” he declares and he sets his arm back on the table. He motions towards his chip stack; it sits like a fortress atop a battle field of green felt. The cascading walls and slightly imperfect stacks form the battlements; the fortress shows scars of battles past.

Along the outer walls of the castle stand the foot soldiers; noble and brave white one dollar chips. They do the dirty work and ask nothing in return but a safe place to lay their head. They take the grunt of the war, often trading allegiance and sacrificed before any of the battle cards are dealt.

Behind our noble infantry stand the pale red Captains. Small is size, yet strong at heart, the five dollar Captains fight a stronger battle with help from the white soldiers. The Captains strike fear in to the hearts of the enemy; they are a clairvoyant sign that a larger battle may be looming. The Captains are trained on the offensive; enough of them can help secure a victory.

Atop the crimson Captains reside the green Colonels. These war hardened veterans are worth twenty five times that of a normal gunman and demand respect. When a Colonel is thrown in to battle, the lines have been drawn and there is no peaceful resolution. A Colonel often emerges as a protective measure; it takes a special brand of courage to call a Colonels bluff.

Among all of the troops and ranks stands a rare breed of war machine. The black chip, often few in number, casts a shadow upon the kingdom. One hundred times the might of a soldier, the black General stands atop the castle, directing troops in battle. The mere sight of a General at the peak of a kingdom can make enemies rethink their battle plans, for the risk of a General launched in to battle is worth a mindful assessment. The play of a General can often result in hushed tones and heavy respiration. The General is a decision maker, his fate controlled only by one man.

The King.

This particular King, seated across from me, declared his raise as “All In” and shoves his castle towards the center. I hesitated for a moment, glancing over the T82 rainbow of a flop. I peeked again at my pocket tens, unsure of whether this was actually happening. Trying not to hide my slight confusion, I responded with an “I call” and matched the size of this castle on the opposite side of the bet line.

My opponent flips over pocket kings and rolls his eyes when I reveal the top set. Sorry, bro. I guess sometimes all the battle preparation in the world can’t prevent certain massacres. All of the detail that went in to this battle is only possible in person; live poker is an intensity machine.

In the past ten years or so, the emergence of online poker has streamlined the way poker players find action. The convenience of sitting at home and playing micro stakes has brought players by the masses, helping create a profitable poker realm. We often get wrapped up with the multi-tabling and the sheer mass of options and forget about the simplistic roots of the game we love.

Most of the players I speak with have their roots and of poker deep in kitchen table games; five card draw and stud poker are often handed down by our parents. We learn the values of cards and hands from our fathers; we play for pennies in the basement. Poker is a recreational game and a social past time; it often brings the nostalgic feeling of family and friends.

We eventually learned of Hold’em and the people who are apparently making a living playing this variation. We watched Doyle Brunson and Stu Ungar wage their wars and take the titles. The game was a bud waiting to bloom; these men had no idea the flower it was to become. Fast forward to Chris Moneymaker and the poker boom, everyone knew the story of the kid who made it big.

None of this rich poker history would be possible without the element of live play. It is from the heart of the smooth felt that we draw our inspiration. Sure, we’ve grown used to the pixelated cards and time bank chimes. It’s a comfort zone, sitting on your comfy couch with your laptop and your dog. The T.V. chatting in the background and a cup of coffee on the table, you need only your finger tips to make a decision. Live poker, though so it seems, is not as “brick-and-mortar” as its online bretheren. Azn_Cutie his the nail on the head with this quote posted on PokerSift.com:

Live poker, on the other hand, will never be solved. It has much different subtle nuances than online poker, especially in terms of reading tells. Hand equity calculations don’t need to be exact because you can narrow hand ranges so much more through live tells and this, rather than exact calculation, provides you with a lot of the edge in the game. This is not to disparage online poker or say that online players are better/worse than live players, it is simply my opinion that both of these arenas utilize completely different skill sets and mine are much more suited to live play.

Although it is arguable that there might be more money in online poker, sometimes it is worth losing a bit of that value for authenticity. Azn_Cutie does well to note that online players are no better or worse than live players, they are just a different breed of competitor. All the differences aside, poker players need to take their true ambitions in to perspective.

Close your eyes for just a moment and picture yourself in poker glory. You stand at the pantheon of poker, your brightest moment and your finest hour. Are you seated behind a laptop or a desktop computer?

Nope.

You are surrounded by hundred of screaming fans, your best friends are hugging you and the tournament director is fastening the gold bracelet around your wrist. You make your way to the edge of the table, stack of hundred dollar bills sit aside your final hand. The seat is still warm from a battle just fought. The board is sitting right where you left it, right at the moment that you called your opponents fateful bluff. The cameras are flashing and the press is calling your name. For a moment suspended in time, the glory of live poker is infinite. You live to play this game.

hell hath no fury.

Hell hath no fury like a poker player on a mission. A true gambler is a wild animal with no discipline to guide him. A poker player, on the other hand, is a tamed beast. Endless hours of controlled practice have taught poker players to harness the gambler inside them and guide it to success. We take our innate urge for excitement and monetary gain and focus it on a set plan of action. My plan of action this week was simple: make a profit.

And that, I did.

After a hellish week of bad beats and unintelligent play, I reset my systems and decided that a break was my best course of action. After seeking help in the advice of some of the games top players, I utilized my time away from poker to my full ability. I reviewed my hand histories and focused on the causes of my mistakes. I now had a clear understanding of what went wrong in the past weeks.

I sat down on Monday without the intentions of playing cards. After browsing the web for a bit, I found myself on p5’s reading some recent scores and I became motivated. I decided to fire up my Absolute Poker client; the tournaments are typically smaller fields and tend to have shorter run times. I registered for a $1 re-buy tournament with two add-ons. The prize pool was guaranteed to be at least $2000. With my new-found drive, I set out to the virtual felt to slay some donks.

Fast forward 627 players, 932 re-buys, 623 add-ons, and 7 hours later and I am sitting 2nd of five at the final table of the tournament. The tournament has run much longer then I had expected, but by now I am fired up beyond belief. I have the table window sitting adjacent with the prize pool information window, staring at my goal of $405.54. I could tell I was the best player at the table; the other four players had very predictable styles of play. My reads were dead on and I was in control of almost every pot I was in. My aggressive play as paying off and I had the other players guessing. I was poised to win this tournament until one hand changed my fate.

At the 12,000/24,000 level with a 2,000 ante, I was dealt KTdd on the button. In five handed poker, this hand is a definite raise. So the villain and chip leader limps UTG +1 and the next two players fold to me. I put in a standard 3x raise to 48,000 and the villain flat calls me. The flop comes out 425dd and I decide to lead out for about 120,000 chips to see if I can pluck up the pot or induce a call. I try to bet my draws when playing short handed because:
• It compliments my aggressive style
• It allows me to show up with huge hands without giving my opponent future warning.

Most times I get the pot without contest, other times I catch my draw and win pots the old fashioned way. The villain in this instance called my 120,000 bet and we went to the turn. Ad: the money card. This card completed my nut flush on a very action inducting board. The Ace was great because it could have very well completed my opponents low straight, top pair, or lower flush. My semi-bluff had worked to perfection and I was about to reap the benefits. I decided to check in hopes that my opponent would think I was stealing pre-flop and just taking another shot on the flop. My aggressive style most often leads players to think that I am stealing with lesser cards and making attempts to get cheap pots on dangerous boards. I click the check button and lean back to watch my opponents play. After a few moments, my opponent makes a very curious move.

The villain bet out 648,000 chips, about 30,000 less than what was left in my stack. This is not a standard bet; the villain was calling me out. I squealed like a little girl receiving a pony for her birthday, did a few fist pumps, and then some frontflips in my basement. I had the second best possible hand. Only 53dd takes the cookies here, and if he’s got a straight flush, then he deserves this pot. I go ahead and commence my frontflipping and return to my chair and raise the rest of my chips in to the pot. The villain calls and shows me 44sh and I am elated. He overplayed his set and now he is going to pay. I just start to call my roommate in to the room to see my monster pot when the worst possible thing happens.

The river: Ac.

Silence. I see the pixilated chips slide over to the villain. The number under “xSTEVIEDx” reads: 0. A small notice pops up over the table window. “Congratulations xSTEVIEDx, you finished in 5th place for $109.33. Thank you for playing!” I stare at the screen in disbelief.

A fucking full house. I punch my desk, my wall, and my door. In that order.

There is nothing I can do. He made a play at the pot with a good hand in hopes that I didn’t have the flush. I got my money in with the best hand and could not fade his 10 outs. One 4, three 2’s, three 5’s, and three Ace’s stood between me and the first prize. That fateful ace, in essence, cost me $300.

There is no guarantee that I would have took the tournament. I have to say that I am confident that when I have 3 other players stacked 4:1, I’m pretty solid. I can’t really be upset with almost 10,000% profit, but it leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

I sat there for a while, watched the end of the tournament, and put on some John Mayer. I leaned back and closed my eyes, clearing my mind. I may have suffered a bad beat in a critical tournament, but with $100 profit in my bankroll I could only settle on one thing.

I’m back.

c-bets&bracelets

I am either a competitive soul or a degenerate gambler. I tip toe the fine line often, hopping gracefully from side to side, never invading both realms at once. I live to compete, whether it be against a single opponent or against millions of others. I can channel focus and establish a cool façade in the most intense and unnerving situations. I was born to be a poker player. I never had much of a choice.

Actually, I did have a choice. I had not fully understood the game of Texas Hold’em until I watched the 2003 World Series of Poker. Most of the appeal around the event was that a little know player had won his entry through a cheap satellite ticket and went on to take the first prize. I didn’t care much about the newbie making it big as I did the intensity of the game. I was captivated by the simplistic look of poker. The cards came out and players placed wagers on who had the better hand. I was also keenly aware, even at a young age, that this simplistic view was a thin veil atop of a mistress of strategy, math, and insight. It was this mixture of styles that drew me to the game. Well, that and the prospect of winning tons of money.

Sure, winning money is one of the primary reasons I play the game of poker. It’s nice to outwit or outdraw someone and get rewarded for it. Who doesn’t like the thrill of money on the line, a big stack of black chips heaped in the middle of the green felt? The dealer holds the river card in the air a half second longer then normal, all of the air is sucked out of the room by the suspense. The plastic coated card slaps the table with a slight “whip” of air and everyone stops for a moment as their eyes focus in on the last card. Someone jumps up from their seat; another puts his face in his hands. The rest of the table hoots and hollers, cheers and sighs, almost as emotionally invested in the pot as the bettors themselves.

The chips are shoved over to the winner and some words may be exchanged, but there was more to that scenario than just money. Pride was won and lost; competition took over and made those clay discs in the center of the table mere toys. For a moment suspended in time, the players thought not of the monetary reward, but the reward of victory in its own right.

Our newfound victor might play his next hand a bit more loosely; he is on a hot streak after all. Our loser is out for vengeance, more focused than ever. The game is no longer solely about money; there are emotions influencing the game. Blood is in the air, the game is now alive.

This is why I play poker.

The uncertainty of the future intrigues human beings. It is this fact that makes the game of poker exhilarating. I use this rush to fuel my flame, I use it to burn others to the ground. I play poker because I long for the defeated look of my opponents. The feeling of victory is raw emotion. The feeling of loss, although gut-wrenching at times, can evoke feelings of equal strength.

I don’t care as much for most people as I do for these suits and numbers, faces and hands. If this makes me a degenerate gambler, then so be it. I don’t care whether or not my opponent thinks I’m a young “degen” or a shark in the water, just so long as his chips are in my pocket at the end of the night.